I had a thought yesterday while driving. Let's see if I can articulate it yet.
I was thinking about the patterns that get set up in Christianity because of the way we talk about grace and forgiveness. I was thinking about a friend of mine, Diane. She is an evangelical christian. She and her husband are deeply committed to the idea of wifely submission in marriage. So they have this pattern that happens where she practices submission with him. She plays her role well, then she eventually blows up at her husband at some point. In both their minds this is "sin". They believe that sin is inevitable in our human state, so she asks for forgiveness from God and her husband and then goes back to playing her role as submissive wife. In the many years they have been married the outbursts have never decreased. They just continue in this pattern. Over and Over again.
Every week at the end of every sermon, our pastor reminds us all that we are incapable of living up to God's expectations and that this is okay because we are forgiven. Honestly I don't understand this teaching anymore. It is unclear to me what purpose this is suppose to serve to be reminded of this every week.
When I was in my own state of mental break down, and was bordering the line of almost abusive to my children this messaged started to sound really bad to me. NO! I did not need forgiveness from God for my outburst. I didn't need to know I was still loved. I needed this behavior to stop. I needed it to end! I needed some sort of REAL change so that I didn't do real damage to my children. Being part of a system that just relieved my guilt was really really dangerous. I needed a system that helped me change my behavior. I REALLY needed a system that helped me deal with the issues that were causing my behavior.
This message "You are more sinful than you ever realized and more loved than you can even imagine" doesn't help me. It doesn't help my friend. I needed a problem to actually be fixed. Telling me essentially that "my problem can't be fixed, but it's okay because Jesus will accept me into heaven anyway" is not helpful. Or "just draw nearer to Jesus and he will change you," is another message that I tried to listen to. It didn't work, at least not fast enough. I didn't have time to "wait on Him". I was doing damage to my children today. That needed to stop NOW!
This is a tangent, but I did find things that helped. 1. Caring about my own needs and the needs of my children, more than caring about pleasing my husband (putting my needs above his wants and whims). 2. More sleep. Even if that meant my husband had to sacrifice for me to get it. 3. Pre-school. 4. Happy music. Dancing with my kids to our favorite Sugarland album. 5. Watching Glee. Notice none of these things are "christian" in anyway. These are some of the things that gave me energy so I could pour into my kids without exploding. All better.
So back to the pattern of sin and forgiveness, I think this can be a really unhealthy pattern. When there is "sin" in someone's life I think it's best to find out what is behind this "sin". If Diane is blowing up at her husband on a pretty regular basis...why? What is she trying to say? What need isn't being met? It seems like a pattern that will go on forever if they never stop to say, "Hey, what's going on here?" I'm not speaking from any place of authority here, but those kind of patterns drive me crazy. It's like you're going in circles instead of forward. I know we are never going to be without conflict and difficulty in life, but to keep dealing with the same issues over and over and over again and never to hear anything but, "humans sin, and God forgives us." To never do anything but confess and receive forgiveness. Ugh. Why does this not make everyone else want to scream?
I don't want to keep walking in circles. I'm out. I'm choosing to step out and travel forward where ever that may lead.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Faded Hope
“This
is why I love Rachel Held Evans: Writing,
like Faith, Means Living the Questions.
That is where I am right now, Living the
Questions, letting it play out.
Believing that this road will end in immense beauty even if it’s tough
right now.”
I wrote the above quote on Tuesday May 31st
2011 and posted it on my old blog. Ironically
that was my wedding anniversary. I don’t
feel like this today. I have lost my
hope that this road will end in immense beauty.
Today I want to wallow in pain. I
want to stay in bed and re-imagine the past.
I want to flesh out all the “if only”s.
The pain disappears for just a moment when I imagine myself taking a
different path in life. Some different
choices … Any different road that didn't land me here in this place.
I wonder where that hope came from.
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Kayaking Story
So when my husband, Sam and I were dating he took me out kayaking in the ocean with himself and James, a good guy friend of ours.
I had never kayaked in the ocean before, so I was nervous. But we were in a really smooth area, so it's not like I was kayaking in the waves or anything.
It was beautiful and exciting. And yet, when I was out in the kelp the water was dark and deep and I couldn't help but imagine a sea lion coming up and tipping me over and getting my feet tangled up and stuck in the kelp. I was trying really hard to not think of sharks. But I couldn't help that either. So I wasn't feeling panic, but my anxiety levels were high. I was trying hard to be brave and show my love interest that I could do this. Like most new relationships I wanted to be interested in what he was interested in. I didn't want to disappoint him. So I braved the deep ocean water.
He and his friend did go in and kayak the waves a little bit. I stayed out in the deep water alone and tried not to think of sharks. It was scary, but better than being dumped over by waves. I knew I wasn't talented enough for that. And I was self assured enough to say no to kayaking in waves even though I was trying hard not to disappoint him. So I waited for them, trying to focus on the beauty of the ocean and not the fear. I mostly succeeded.
Then they came back to me and we moved on. Then we came to some caves. There was a beach through one of the caves that they wanted to land at for a bit. This was too much for me. The water was shallow in the cave and there were a lot of rocks. The waves came through the cave so you had to time it just right to get through safely. I'm not good at kayaking. I've never done this before so I was really scared. I'm imagining myself getting washed over by waves in the cave and bashing my head against rocks. I communicate my fears to Sam and he goes into coaching mode. Saying things like, "You can do this," "It's no big deal," "you won't get hurt," and such. Then the boys kayak through the cave safely and land on the beach. I can't just stay out there so I go for it, in spite of my fears.
And of course I get washed over. A wave hits me and I tip over. The kayak lands upside down over top of me. Luckily I can touch the ground where I land, but now I am in panic mode. I am stuck in a cave with a kayak on top of my head. I can't see when the next wave is coming which may or may not make the water too deep for me to touch. Or which may or may not push me into the rocks that are surrounding me. I prepare myself for pain and injury. Adrenaline fills my veins and I'm able to push the kayak up off of my head. I scramble to the beach and climb to the top of the highest rock I can find and curl up in a ball. James is worried about me. He wants to make sure I'm okay. Sam on the other hand knew I was physically safe the whole time because he could see that I could touch. He new I was strong enough to lift off the kayak. He could see that the waves coming through the cave weren't strong enough to cause serious injury, so he felt my fears were unfounded and therefore he wasn't worried one bit and assumed that it was all no big deal. This was a normal everyday experience for a bunch of guys going out kayaking. Nothing to worry about.
His reaction was shocking to me. Where was the chivalry? Where was the rescuer in him? Why didn't he try to save me? Why did my emotional suffering not matter? How could I explain it in a way that he would understand?
Of course since I was in the mode of trying to please him, I kept most of these thoughts to myself and just tried to get over it. I sat on my rock until I was calm enough to join them on the beach. Sam was totally unaware of what was going on inside of me and was talking about how sexually attracted to me he was at the moment. I remember being surprised by those feelings in him too. Sex was the last thing on my mind as I'm trying to recover, knowing I have to get back in the kayak and go back through the cave in order to get home again. We hung out there for a while. I actually lost my anklet in the water and the boys spent some time diving into the water looking for. This made me feel a little bit better. Like chivalry wasn't totally lost. They were caring for me in this small way.
Eventually we did get back. Somehow I made it back through safely and onto dry land. I put the trip behind me. We still talk about that story now and then. He can now apologize for it. He sees a lot of places where he should have done things differently. I still don't think he quite understands what I was hoping for from him, though. I also recognize that some of my feelings came from misguided expectations about men being the rescuer of women. Like most girls I had been raised on the damsel in distress stories and those expectations are a part of me. But that doesn't mean they are correct expectations. Sam on the other hand never saw a Disney movie growing up. His mother was a bit of a feminist and his sister was a Tom Boy. So he never considered treating me any differently than one of the boys. One one hand I suppose this is good, but on the other hand I think that the whole "coaching" way of dealing with emotions ("suck it up!") is bad for men and women. So I don't really want equality when it comes to the negative aspects of masculine culture. So it's an interesting story that keeps coming up because it illustrates to much of what Sam and I have struggled through to build a relationship together.
I had never kayaked in the ocean before, so I was nervous. But we were in a really smooth area, so it's not like I was kayaking in the waves or anything.
It was beautiful and exciting. And yet, when I was out in the kelp the water was dark and deep and I couldn't help but imagine a sea lion coming up and tipping me over and getting my feet tangled up and stuck in the kelp. I was trying really hard to not think of sharks. But I couldn't help that either. So I wasn't feeling panic, but my anxiety levels were high. I was trying hard to be brave and show my love interest that I could do this. Like most new relationships I wanted to be interested in what he was interested in. I didn't want to disappoint him. So I braved the deep ocean water.
He and his friend did go in and kayak the waves a little bit. I stayed out in the deep water alone and tried not to think of sharks. It was scary, but better than being dumped over by waves. I knew I wasn't talented enough for that. And I was self assured enough to say no to kayaking in waves even though I was trying hard not to disappoint him. So I waited for them, trying to focus on the beauty of the ocean and not the fear. I mostly succeeded.
Then they came back to me and we moved on. Then we came to some caves. There was a beach through one of the caves that they wanted to land at for a bit. This was too much for me. The water was shallow in the cave and there were a lot of rocks. The waves came through the cave so you had to time it just right to get through safely. I'm not good at kayaking. I've never done this before so I was really scared. I'm imagining myself getting washed over by waves in the cave and bashing my head against rocks. I communicate my fears to Sam and he goes into coaching mode. Saying things like, "You can do this," "It's no big deal," "you won't get hurt," and such. Then the boys kayak through the cave safely and land on the beach. I can't just stay out there so I go for it, in spite of my fears.
And of course I get washed over. A wave hits me and I tip over. The kayak lands upside down over top of me. Luckily I can touch the ground where I land, but now I am in panic mode. I am stuck in a cave with a kayak on top of my head. I can't see when the next wave is coming which may or may not make the water too deep for me to touch. Or which may or may not push me into the rocks that are surrounding me. I prepare myself for pain and injury. Adrenaline fills my veins and I'm able to push the kayak up off of my head. I scramble to the beach and climb to the top of the highest rock I can find and curl up in a ball. James is worried about me. He wants to make sure I'm okay. Sam on the other hand knew I was physically safe the whole time because he could see that I could touch. He new I was strong enough to lift off the kayak. He could see that the waves coming through the cave weren't strong enough to cause serious injury, so he felt my fears were unfounded and therefore he wasn't worried one bit and assumed that it was all no big deal. This was a normal everyday experience for a bunch of guys going out kayaking. Nothing to worry about.
His reaction was shocking to me. Where was the chivalry? Where was the rescuer in him? Why didn't he try to save me? Why did my emotional suffering not matter? How could I explain it in a way that he would understand?
Of course since I was in the mode of trying to please him, I kept most of these thoughts to myself and just tried to get over it. I sat on my rock until I was calm enough to join them on the beach. Sam was totally unaware of what was going on inside of me and was talking about how sexually attracted to me he was at the moment. I remember being surprised by those feelings in him too. Sex was the last thing on my mind as I'm trying to recover, knowing I have to get back in the kayak and go back through the cave in order to get home again. We hung out there for a while. I actually lost my anklet in the water and the boys spent some time diving into the water looking for. This made me feel a little bit better. Like chivalry wasn't totally lost. They were caring for me in this small way.
Eventually we did get back. Somehow I made it back through safely and onto dry land. I put the trip behind me. We still talk about that story now and then. He can now apologize for it. He sees a lot of places where he should have done things differently. I still don't think he quite understands what I was hoping for from him, though. I also recognize that some of my feelings came from misguided expectations about men being the rescuer of women. Like most girls I had been raised on the damsel in distress stories and those expectations are a part of me. But that doesn't mean they are correct expectations. Sam on the other hand never saw a Disney movie growing up. His mother was a bit of a feminist and his sister was a Tom Boy. So he never considered treating me any differently than one of the boys. One one hand I suppose this is good, but on the other hand I think that the whole "coaching" way of dealing with emotions ("suck it up!") is bad for men and women. So I don't really want equality when it comes to the negative aspects of masculine culture. So it's an interesting story that keeps coming up because it illustrates to much of what Sam and I have struggled through to build a relationship together.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
First post on sexuality
Let's talk about sex. Yes? =) This is fun stuff for me to write about. It's fun to think about and fun to push boundaries. It's fun for me to be blunt and straight forward about a topic that is usually hush hush.
Before I start delving in to the past a bit, I thought I would do an introductory post about where I am right now.
I would say I am 99% heterosexual. That is 99% of my sexual thoughts, feelings, and actions have been connected to men. All of my first crushes were on boys. All of my first sexual attractions were to boys. All of my movie crushes have been men. I like penises. I think they are interesting and fascinating and when I am turned on I really really want one in me.
So that 1% you want to know about. 1. After watching the movie Mulholland Drive I had a homosexual dream about me and my best friend, Jane. That was weird. 2. I once saw a woman in a really short tennis skirt at my kids school and had a little twinge of attraction. 3. I went dancing with a couple of girl friends a few months ago. We did a little dirty dancing. I had some drinks in me, which always makes me want sex. Dirty dancing with a girl turns me on. I had a few fantasies about what it would be like to kiss her after that, but it faded. I haven't thought of that in a while.
So I believe I could enjoy and be satisfied by a sexual encounter with a woman, but I know there is no way to get rid of my attraction to men. That part of me is fixed and strong. I doubt I could live the rest of my life without sex with a man.
And that is a good transition into talking about myself on the spectrum of asexuality. It may be rather obvious that I am rather high on that spectrum. I like sex. I really enjoy it. I would have been a very very depressed person if I was forced to be nun or something. When I was in my early 20s I could go only about 4 days without some sort of sexual release before I started to feel overcome by my desires. Now I can go longer...usually about a week or two. I don't need sex every day, so I know there are some with higher needs than myself. But I also know there are many with lower needs than myself.
Do I need to say something here about homosexuality and morality? Okay, I will. I don't believe homosexual interactions are inherently immoral. I disagree with Paul from the Bible on that one. That's enough about that for now.
So there you have it. The sexuality of Larissa Moss. =)
Before I start delving in to the past a bit, I thought I would do an introductory post about where I am right now.
I would say I am 99% heterosexual. That is 99% of my sexual thoughts, feelings, and actions have been connected to men. All of my first crushes were on boys. All of my first sexual attractions were to boys. All of my movie crushes have been men. I like penises. I think they are interesting and fascinating and when I am turned on I really really want one in me.
So that 1% you want to know about. 1. After watching the movie Mulholland Drive I had a homosexual dream about me and my best friend, Jane. That was weird. 2. I once saw a woman in a really short tennis skirt at my kids school and had a little twinge of attraction. 3. I went dancing with a couple of girl friends a few months ago. We did a little dirty dancing. I had some drinks in me, which always makes me want sex. Dirty dancing with a girl turns me on. I had a few fantasies about what it would be like to kiss her after that, but it faded. I haven't thought of that in a while.
So I believe I could enjoy and be satisfied by a sexual encounter with a woman, but I know there is no way to get rid of my attraction to men. That part of me is fixed and strong. I doubt I could live the rest of my life without sex with a man.
And that is a good transition into talking about myself on the spectrum of asexuality. It may be rather obvious that I am rather high on that spectrum. I like sex. I really enjoy it. I would have been a very very depressed person if I was forced to be nun or something. When I was in my early 20s I could go only about 4 days without some sort of sexual release before I started to feel overcome by my desires. Now I can go longer...usually about a week or two. I don't need sex every day, so I know there are some with higher needs than myself. But I also know there are many with lower needs than myself.
Do I need to say something here about homosexuality and morality? Okay, I will. I don't believe homosexual interactions are inherently immoral. I disagree with Paul from the Bible on that one. That's enough about that for now.
So there you have it. The sexuality of Larissa Moss. =)
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Positive thinking can be hurtful?
This is making me think:
http://www.upworthy.com/why-the-religion-of-positive-thinking-needs-to-be-burned-at-the-stake-5?c=ufb1
I believe a lot of the pain I carry is from the religion of positive thinking being imposed on me by oppressors.
I don't have words just yet. I'm pondering.
http://www.upworthy.com/why-the-religion-of-positive-thinking-needs-to-be-burned-at-the-stake-5?c=ufb1
I believe a lot of the pain I carry is from the religion of positive thinking being imposed on me by oppressors.
I don't have words just yet. I'm pondering.
Nursing old wounds (written Sept. 21, 2013)
I'm nursing old wounds tonight. It's one am and I can't sleep. My heart hurts so bad I can physically feel it. I want to throw up.
I want so badly to go back to being 14 and to be able to do over all my high school years with all the knowledge I have now. It seems unfair that I am sentenced to carry pain for the rest of my life for mistakes I made during those years.
It seems like the deepest one ever falls in love is their first love. Age 14 or 15. But inevitably we ruin the relationship or even the possibility of relationship with this person because we don't know what we are doing yet. We have no experience. No knowledge. We are selfish and scared. So we screw up.
This seems like it should be forgivable. Immaturity doesn't seem like it should be such a crime. But somehow I still carry the pain. Does everyone carry this pain? Do we have to carry it forever? For me it seems to be getting heavier.
It's funny too, because in reality I don't want to undo what I have. I love my husband so much. I used to be able to thank God for the broken road that lead me to him (thank you Rascal Flatts for those words). I don't want things to turn out different really. I just want to be free of the pain of loss. And the pain of knowing I've hurt people I love. And the weight of so many words left unsaid. It's one thing to wonder what might have been. It's a whole other thing for that wondering to hurt. Why does it hurt so much?
I wonder if I had had the guts to tell my childhood best guy friend that all of the sudden I saw him as more than a friend, what would have happened? Maybe I never would have ever noticed anyone else. Maybe it would have been him and only him for all my life and my heart would be whole instead of so many pieces in so many places. But maybe not. I probably would have screwed that up. I probably would have been to curious about my other options to be committed so young. Maybe? I'll never know. I'm just wishing that I would have never noticed the boy who haunts my thoughts and dreams. Maybe if I would have dated my childhood best guy friend I would have never noticed him. If I had never noticed him maybe then tonight I could sleep and I wouldn't be so broken.
I feel half alive without him in my life. But I would be utterly soul dead if I lost my husband. So I choose half alive. That's the best I get these days. I don't see a path before me that offers full life. I only see a life ahead of me that insures that I carry pain.
And then, part of me wonders if it's just my husband that I miss. In some ways I think I was always searching for him, before I met him. I didn't have any of these thoughts until after we had kids. Now that we have kids we never have enough time together. I don't have the time or energy to draw him out like I used to. I miss him. We still share a bed, but we are often worlds apart. Maybe the pain I feel is just missing him. And I think I must have made a mistake somewhere a long the way to hurt like this, so I start at the beginning. And when I go back, there are so so many mistakes. So many things that I did wrong.
Maybe I should just stop that looking backward. It doesn't do any good. I can't go back. Those imperfections must stay in the tapestry being woven that is my life. Maybe the question is, where do we go from here? Oh, but that seems so daunting. I easily know the right thing to do with an problem from 1995, but the problems I have now...I'm lost.
Maybe the pains of my past are mild compared to the agony I see set before me. What about just staying in the present? Ugh. It's pain, only pain, everywhere is heart ache.
I want so badly to go back to being 14 and to be able to do over all my high school years with all the knowledge I have now. It seems unfair that I am sentenced to carry pain for the rest of my life for mistakes I made during those years.
It seems like the deepest one ever falls in love is their first love. Age 14 or 15. But inevitably we ruin the relationship or even the possibility of relationship with this person because we don't know what we are doing yet. We have no experience. No knowledge. We are selfish and scared. So we screw up.
This seems like it should be forgivable. Immaturity doesn't seem like it should be such a crime. But somehow I still carry the pain. Does everyone carry this pain? Do we have to carry it forever? For me it seems to be getting heavier.
It's funny too, because in reality I don't want to undo what I have. I love my husband so much. I used to be able to thank God for the broken road that lead me to him (thank you Rascal Flatts for those words). I don't want things to turn out different really. I just want to be free of the pain of loss. And the pain of knowing I've hurt people I love. And the weight of so many words left unsaid. It's one thing to wonder what might have been. It's a whole other thing for that wondering to hurt. Why does it hurt so much?
I wonder if I had had the guts to tell my childhood best guy friend that all of the sudden I saw him as more than a friend, what would have happened? Maybe I never would have ever noticed anyone else. Maybe it would have been him and only him for all my life and my heart would be whole instead of so many pieces in so many places. But maybe not. I probably would have screwed that up. I probably would have been to curious about my other options to be committed so young. Maybe? I'll never know. I'm just wishing that I would have never noticed the boy who haunts my thoughts and dreams. Maybe if I would have dated my childhood best guy friend I would have never noticed him. If I had never noticed him maybe then tonight I could sleep and I wouldn't be so broken.
I feel half alive without him in my life. But I would be utterly soul dead if I lost my husband. So I choose half alive. That's the best I get these days. I don't see a path before me that offers full life. I only see a life ahead of me that insures that I carry pain.
And then, part of me wonders if it's just my husband that I miss. In some ways I think I was always searching for him, before I met him. I didn't have any of these thoughts until after we had kids. Now that we have kids we never have enough time together. I don't have the time or energy to draw him out like I used to. I miss him. We still share a bed, but we are often worlds apart. Maybe the pain I feel is just missing him. And I think I must have made a mistake somewhere a long the way to hurt like this, so I start at the beginning. And when I go back, there are so so many mistakes. So many things that I did wrong.
Maybe I should just stop that looking backward. It doesn't do any good. I can't go back. Those imperfections must stay in the tapestry being woven that is my life. Maybe the question is, where do we go from here? Oh, but that seems so daunting. I easily know the right thing to do with an problem from 1995, but the problems I have now...I'm lost.
Maybe the pains of my past are mild compared to the agony I see set before me. What about just staying in the present? Ugh. It's pain, only pain, everywhere is heart ache.
To ask for forgiveness or not?
So the big question I have at the moment is when is it healthy to ask for forgiveness and when it is selfish?
So there was this guy...when I was 18. There was like 6 months where we basically used each other to satisfy our physical needs. I ended it. And the thing that haunts me is that i let him carry all the guilt and responsibility for what we did. He apologized to me later and I forgave him, but I never acknowledged my wrong. My responsibility. I never realized fully until today that I used him too. And worse that I utterly abandoned him, possibly in a time of need, just because I was done with the physical stuff. I wanted a real relationship. I wanted to be a good-girl again. I didn't even think twice about his need, his hurt. I never asked what pain he was running from when he called me into his arms. I don't really feel guilty about the physical stuff. We were 18. We were exploring. It was fun. But I feel enormously guilty for how I abandoned him in the end. In all his hurt. In all his need. In the middle of his suffering, I said I'm done. I bailed. I moved on and built a happy stable life for myself and didn't look back. I know he is now married and has a kid. So in many ways he has moved on now too and built a happy stable life for himself. So the question is, is it selfish of me again to want to apologize now and ask for forgiveness? It would make me feel better. It would relieve so much of my guilt. It would free me from wondering how much pain and hurt I caused. I could let it go and know for sure that he is okay...even on the inside. I need to know he's okay. But what if he is okay and my coming to apologize brings it all back up again and creates pain and trauma all over again? Can saying "I'm sorry" do that? Maybe. It's not like I can fix it now. I don't know.
Then there is the other girl. She loved him. She had dated him for 2 years. She was also having a physical relationship with him, even though they were broken up. We were friends, good friends. I didn't know, until I caught them. I should have ended my physical relationship with him in that moment, but I didn't. We both continued using him, and him using us. In that moment I betrayed my friendship with her. She talked to me about her relationship with him and I didn't tell her that I was with him also. I kept it secret. I felt like it was my turn. I had started to have feelings for him again. I didn't tell her. I still haven't told her. She's also happily married now with two kids. Not to that guy. We both ended things with him eventually. But still, this haunts me too. Because, well...that's freaking Horrible!! I mean. Come on. This is bad stuff. I dream about her often. I really want to come clean with her. Tell the whole story. Put it all out on the table. But maybe that's selfish. Maybe I should carry this darkness so she doesn't have too. Sometimes when spilling our guts we feel better, but the other person feels worse. I'm sure that would be true in this case, but maybe not. I have this tendency to feel that openness is the better course to take. I hate secrets. I feel like sometimes they are a necessary evil, but still openness is the ideal. Is that naive? But what if I'm withholding information that she needs for her wholeness and wellness? How do I know?
What do you think? Would you apologize and confess or would you keep it to yourself?
So there was this guy...when I was 18. There was like 6 months where we basically used each other to satisfy our physical needs. I ended it. And the thing that haunts me is that i let him carry all the guilt and responsibility for what we did. He apologized to me later and I forgave him, but I never acknowledged my wrong. My responsibility. I never realized fully until today that I used him too. And worse that I utterly abandoned him, possibly in a time of need, just because I was done with the physical stuff. I wanted a real relationship. I wanted to be a good-girl again. I didn't even think twice about his need, his hurt. I never asked what pain he was running from when he called me into his arms. I don't really feel guilty about the physical stuff. We were 18. We were exploring. It was fun. But I feel enormously guilty for how I abandoned him in the end. In all his hurt. In all his need. In the middle of his suffering, I said I'm done. I bailed. I moved on and built a happy stable life for myself and didn't look back. I know he is now married and has a kid. So in many ways he has moved on now too and built a happy stable life for himself. So the question is, is it selfish of me again to want to apologize now and ask for forgiveness? It would make me feel better. It would relieve so much of my guilt. It would free me from wondering how much pain and hurt I caused. I could let it go and know for sure that he is okay...even on the inside. I need to know he's okay. But what if he is okay and my coming to apologize brings it all back up again and creates pain and trauma all over again? Can saying "I'm sorry" do that? Maybe. It's not like I can fix it now. I don't know.
Then there is the other girl. She loved him. She had dated him for 2 years. She was also having a physical relationship with him, even though they were broken up. We were friends, good friends. I didn't know, until I caught them. I should have ended my physical relationship with him in that moment, but I didn't. We both continued using him, and him using us. In that moment I betrayed my friendship with her. She talked to me about her relationship with him and I didn't tell her that I was with him also. I kept it secret. I felt like it was my turn. I had started to have feelings for him again. I didn't tell her. I still haven't told her. She's also happily married now with two kids. Not to that guy. We both ended things with him eventually. But still, this haunts me too. Because, well...that's freaking Horrible!! I mean. Come on. This is bad stuff. I dream about her often. I really want to come clean with her. Tell the whole story. Put it all out on the table. But maybe that's selfish. Maybe I should carry this darkness so she doesn't have too. Sometimes when spilling our guts we feel better, but the other person feels worse. I'm sure that would be true in this case, but maybe not. I have this tendency to feel that openness is the better course to take. I hate secrets. I feel like sometimes they are a necessary evil, but still openness is the ideal. Is that naive? But what if I'm withholding information that she needs for her wholeness and wellness? How do I know?
What do you think? Would you apologize and confess or would you keep it to yourself?
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