I had a thought yesterday while driving. Let's see if I can articulate it yet.
I was thinking about the patterns that get set up in Christianity because of the way we talk about grace and forgiveness. I was thinking about a friend of mine, Diane. She is an evangelical christian. She and her husband are deeply committed to the idea of wifely submission in marriage. So they have this pattern that happens where she practices submission with him. She plays her role well, then she eventually blows up at her husband at some point. In both their minds this is "sin". They believe that sin is inevitable in our human state, so she asks for forgiveness from God and her husband and then goes back to playing her role as submissive wife. In the many years they have been married the outbursts have never decreased. They just continue in this pattern. Over and Over again.
Every week at the end of every sermon, our pastor reminds us all that we are incapable of living up to God's expectations and that this is okay because we are forgiven. Honestly I don't understand this teaching anymore. It is unclear to me what purpose this is suppose to serve to be reminded of this every week.
When I was in my own state of mental break down, and was bordering the line of almost abusive to my children this messaged started to sound really bad to me. NO! I did not need forgiveness from God for my outburst. I didn't need to know I was still loved. I needed this behavior to stop. I needed it to end! I needed some sort of REAL change so that I didn't do real damage to my children. Being part of a system that just relieved my guilt was really really dangerous. I needed a system that helped me change my behavior. I REALLY needed a system that helped me deal with the issues that were causing my behavior.
This message "You are more sinful than you ever realized and more loved than you can even imagine" doesn't help me. It doesn't help my friend. I needed a problem to actually be fixed. Telling me essentially that "my problem can't be fixed, but it's okay because Jesus will accept me into heaven anyway" is not helpful. Or "just draw nearer to Jesus and he will change you," is another message that I tried to listen to. It didn't work, at least not fast enough. I didn't have time to "wait on Him". I was doing damage to my children today. That needed to stop NOW!
This is a tangent, but I did find things that helped. 1. Caring about my own needs and the needs of my children, more than caring about pleasing my husband (putting my needs above his wants and whims). 2. More sleep. Even if that meant my husband had to sacrifice for me to get it. 3. Pre-school. 4. Happy music. Dancing with my kids to our favorite Sugarland album. 5. Watching Glee. Notice none of these things are "christian" in anyway. These are some of the things that gave me energy so I could pour into my kids without exploding. All better.
So back to the pattern of sin and forgiveness, I think this can be a really unhealthy pattern. When there is "sin" in someone's life I think it's best to find out what is behind this "sin". If Diane is blowing up at her husband on a pretty regular basis...why? What is she trying to say? What need isn't being met? It seems like a pattern that will go on forever if they never stop to say, "Hey, what's going on here?" I'm not speaking from any place of authority here, but those kind of patterns drive me crazy. It's like you're going in circles instead of forward. I know we are never going to be without conflict and difficulty in life, but to keep dealing with the same issues over and over and over again and never to hear anything but, "humans sin, and God forgives us." To never do anything but confess and receive forgiveness. Ugh. Why does this not make everyone else want to scream?
I don't want to keep walking in circles. I'm out. I'm choosing to step out and travel forward where ever that may lead.
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