So when my husband, Sam and I were dating he took me out kayaking in the ocean with himself and James, a good guy friend of ours.
I had never kayaked in the ocean before, so I was nervous. But we were in a really smooth area, so it's not like I was kayaking in the waves or anything.
It was beautiful and exciting. And yet, when I was out in the kelp the water was dark and deep and I couldn't help but imagine a sea lion coming up and tipping me over and getting my feet tangled up and stuck in the kelp. I was trying really hard to not think of sharks. But I couldn't help that either. So I wasn't feeling panic, but my anxiety levels were high. I was trying hard to be brave and show my love interest that I could do this. Like most new relationships I wanted to be interested in what he was interested in. I didn't want to disappoint him. So I braved the deep ocean water.
He and his friend did go in and kayak the waves a little bit. I stayed out in the deep water alone and tried not to think of sharks. It was scary, but better than being dumped over by waves. I knew I wasn't talented enough for that. And I was self assured enough to say no to kayaking in waves even though I was trying hard not to disappoint him. So I waited for them, trying to focus on the beauty of the ocean and not the fear. I mostly succeeded.
Then they came back to me and we moved on. Then we came to some caves. There was a beach through one of the caves that they wanted to land at for a bit. This was too much for me. The water was shallow in the cave and there were a lot of rocks. The waves came through the cave so you had to time it just right to get through safely. I'm not good at kayaking. I've never done this before so I was really scared. I'm imagining myself getting washed over by waves in the cave and bashing my head against rocks. I communicate my fears to Sam and he goes into coaching mode. Saying things like, "You can do this," "It's no big deal," "you won't get hurt," and such. Then the boys kayak through the cave safely and land on the beach. I can't just stay out there so I go for it, in spite of my fears.
And of course I get washed over. A wave hits me and I tip over. The kayak lands upside down over top of me. Luckily I can touch the ground where I land, but now I am in panic mode. I am stuck in a cave with a kayak on top of my head. I can't see when the next wave is coming which may or may not make the water too deep for me to touch. Or which may or may not push me into the rocks that are surrounding me. I prepare myself for pain and injury. Adrenaline fills my veins and I'm able to push the kayak up off of my head. I scramble to the beach and climb to the top of the highest rock I can find and curl up in a ball. James is worried about me. He wants to make sure I'm okay. Sam on the other hand knew I was physically safe the whole time because he could see that I could touch. He new I was strong enough to lift off the kayak. He could see that the waves coming through the cave weren't strong enough to cause serious injury, so he felt my fears were unfounded and therefore he wasn't worried one bit and assumed that it was all no big deal. This was a normal everyday experience for a bunch of guys going out kayaking. Nothing to worry about.
His reaction was shocking to me. Where was the chivalry? Where was the rescuer in him? Why didn't he try to save me? Why did my emotional suffering not matter? How could I explain it in a way that he would understand?
Of course since I was in the mode of trying to please him, I kept most of these thoughts to myself and just tried to get over it. I sat on my rock until I was calm enough to join them on the beach. Sam was totally unaware of what was going on inside of me and was talking about how sexually attracted to me he was at the moment. I remember being surprised by those feelings in him too. Sex was the last thing on my mind as I'm trying to recover, knowing I have to get back in the kayak and go back through the cave in order to get home again. We hung out there for a while. I actually lost my anklet in the water and the boys spent some time diving into the water looking for. This made me feel a little bit better. Like chivalry wasn't totally lost. They were caring for me in this small way.
Eventually we did get back. Somehow I made it back through safely and onto dry land. I put the trip behind me. We still talk about that story now and then. He can now apologize for it. He sees a lot of places where he should have done things differently. I still don't think he quite understands what I was hoping for from him, though. I also recognize that some of my feelings came from misguided expectations about men being the rescuer of women. Like most girls I had been raised on the damsel in distress stories and those expectations are a part of me. But that doesn't mean they are correct expectations. Sam on the other hand never saw a Disney movie growing up. His mother was a bit of a feminist and his sister was a Tom Boy. So he never considered treating me any differently than one of the boys. One one hand I suppose this is good, but on the other hand I think that the whole "coaching" way of dealing with emotions ("suck it up!") is bad for men and women. So I don't really want equality when it comes to the negative aspects of masculine culture. So it's an interesting story that keeps coming up because it illustrates to much of what Sam and I have struggled through to build a relationship together.
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